Self-Love, Self-Hatred, and Self-Compassion – the three sisters we carry into our hearts and walk by our side every day. “We can’t hate ourselves into a version of ourselves we can love.”
It sparks a sweet discussion in my mind, and it takes me a few years back when Self-Hatred was so “my thing” that Self-Love had given up to try and turn my head towards her.
But we are spiritual beings, and we are here to learn lessons. And no matter how much we avoid learning those lessons, life gets in our way and hammers the same spot until it cracks. Until you crack.
So you crack.
Self-Hatred is such a sneaky little … who stays in the shadows guiding you through every decision you take. She will show you beautiful pictures of skinny girls, a happy couple kissing on the horizon, successful gracious ladies on high heels walking with confidence.
Self-Hatred will open the window on a sunny morning and let you know that nobody loves you and you kind of deserve it.
Self-Hatred will comfort you at bedtime by showing you how other people live their best lives on social media while you lay on the bed and wait to feel tired enough of everything, so you finally fall asleep.
Self-Hatred will hug you when another person tells you “It’s not you, it’s me”… Yet, you know it’s You! Because Self-Hatred said so.
And once you decide to follow her steps, you will keep entering the same circle day after day, and all of them just prove the same point – your life is sad, colorless, frustrating, and discouraging.
One beautiful day you and Self-Hatred decide you both had enough… of being the same. So you need a change.
Does hating yourself help you grow, though?
Does it give you the push, motivation, and strength to exercise? Is it enough to make you choose water over alcohol, open a book, say No, say Yes, call, hug, leave, to BE?
You decide to hustle. To grind. To strive for better again and again. You do your best, but Self-Hatred says you could do better. Yes, you exercised, you worked harder than ever, you loved so much that your heart was bleeding … but it’s not enough. Never was. Never will.
You are not improving.
In fact, you might have just piled up another few reasons you shouldn’t like yourself. Why would anybody love you if you are who you are? You could be better.
You should be better. In fact, you must be better.
Will you be better?
Life gets in your way, my dear. If you can’t get the lesson now, it will keep coming back until you learn it. And every time, it will open the door to a darker and stinkier place. Every time it will push different limits inside you. Until you crack. Until you break. Until you give up…
So you do.
You give up yourself. You give up who you are. You give up WHAT you are. You give up your beliefs. You give up your strength. You give up your ideas, values, decisions. You give up yourself.
You realize how empty you’ve become. The feelings are gone. Disappointment has left the building. Shame doesn’t even matter…
And you stay. Down. In the silence. The only sound that fills the air would be the breathing of your tired inner child who wanted more. You look in her eyes and silently say, “I’m sorry. I truly tried. I love you” And the child says “No, you don’t!”
Looking into the eyes of who you dreamed to be you realize how far away of yourself you actually are. But only when you fall on the bottom of your own pit you can observe what waits for you above it.
And then it happens.
Self-Compassion enters the room, sits next to you with a glass of tequila, and sarcastically asks you, “Shall I say, “I told you so?” You grab the glass from her hands and allow the liquid to burn its way inside you. You look at your inner child and tell her, “I will listen to you from now on.”
And the pieces are piling up again in front of you. Feelings are surfacing, and you start breathing deeper and deeper to let them in. And then let them out. Breathing in and out with them. Through them. After them…
Self-Hatred is knocked out in the corner by Self-Compassion, and you can finally have an official dinner with Self-Love. You let her know she is new, and you can’t trust her too much. She smiles and answers, “I was always here. You are the newbie around.”
You start making healthier changes to your life. You push away whatever doesn’t speak of self-respect, and you welcome all the ways to nourish your inner child. She often knows better.
You see, Self-Hatred never comes to stay. It can’t make you grow with it, but you can grow through it. You just shouldn’t grow despite it.
Self-Love is where tears start. It’s where you put your foot down and decide not to change yourself but to BE yourself. It’s acceptance, but not to the extent of arrogance.
Self-Love is opening the window and breathing in the fresh air without judging where you stand on that day. Self-Love is switching the lights off in the evening and closing your eyes to get the needed rest. You are having a good sleep, and that means you are living the best life ever.
Self-Love is looking at that couple who has it all and realizing they found self-acceptance too. And you are happy for them because you walk towards the same thing too. Self-Love attracts like-minded people, and you know that alone doesn’t mean lonely. Not anymore. You stop self-torturing and start enjoying the time you spend with yourself.
There’s the realization that you need no one’s support because you have yours. And that doesn’t mean you won’t enjoy someone’s hug or touch of a hand. It just means it’s a bonus and not the main product.
It feels like breathing in for the first time.
Self-Love is releasing the grudge, the shame, the self-abuse, the negative self-talk, the anxiety of being different than who you are.
Self-Love is not staying where you are. In fact, it is quite the opposite – it’s walking (and often running) towards what’s good for you. It’s choosing the healthy options, taking steps to look after your past, present, and future self—all at the same time.
Self-Love is respect for others because you respect yourself. Self-Love is growth from inside out. And it’s only yours. It’s there and it waits for you to see it.
You can ignore it all you want. But you cannot hate yourself into the person you want to be. Still, you are welcome to try and see where the journey will take you.
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